Friday 19 December 2014

Christmas Cracker

This time next week it will all be over. The presents unwrapped, the goose well and truly cooked and the best of the Cadburys Roses already missing. After two or three days of Christmas indulgence we will soon be considering our new years resolutions.

The humble Christmas cracker originated in Victorian times. Image via.
I hope all the shopping and socialising hasn’t taken its toll and that you will be ready for whatever the day brings.

A tradition that takes place in most households up and down the land is the Christmas cracker. Most of us will don the obligatory paper hat and get strangely excited about the small gift that awaits. Give me the mini screwdriver and I’m a happy girl.

Of course, the other thing we can’t do without is the Christmas cracker joke. Most of these jokes will have been heard year after year but we still look forward to a good groan.

With this is mind, I present to you some old favourites and some new, which you can use if the one in your cracker just doesn't cut it. Here’s my offering of twenty of the best or worst, you decide….

What is King Wenceslas’ favourite pizza?
-Deep pan crisp and even.

What’s furry and minty?
-A polo bear.

Where does a general keep his armies?
-Up his sleevies.

How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?
-Wi’ jam in

What does Bob Marley say when he offers his friends a doughnut?
Hope you like Jammin too.

What’s round and bad tempered?
-A vicious circle.

What must you know to be an auctioneer?

What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?

What do you call a woman who stands between two goalposts?

What’s ET short for?
-Because he’s only got little legs.

What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?
-Nothing. It just let out a little whine.

Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
-A mince spy.

Where does a hippy astronaut park his car?
-In a space, man.

How do you make Lady Gaga cry?
-Poke her face.

How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
The left ear, the right ear and the final front ear.

A french cat, Un Deux Trois, and an English cat, One Two Three had a swimming race. Who won?
One Two Three, because Un Deux Trois cat sank.

Why is there no aspirin in the jungle?
-Because the parrots eat em all.

What is the best way to drain your vegetables at Christmas?
-Use an advent colander.

What happened after an explosion at the french cheese factory?
-All that was left was de brie.

What did the inflatable teacher at the inflatable school say to the inflatable child caught holding a pin?
-You let me down,you let your school down, but most of let yourself down.

So there you have it, a list of twenty Christmas jokes to have ready in case yours turn out to be turkeys. And finally, one last one, just in case you wondered why there was no mention of silver in my post this week.

What’s the nearest thing to Silver?
-The Lone Ranger’s bottom.

I hope everyone has a safe and happy holiday season and we will be back in the new year.

Merry Christmas to all.

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